More Laughs From Will and Guy

The Secret of a Happy Marriage - From R.Hynes of Mornington

My wife and I have the secret to making the marriage last...

Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, a little wine and companionship. She goes Tuesday and I go Friday. We sleep in separate beds, hers in Sydney and mine in Melbourne.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary, 'Somewhere I haven't been for a long time' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, an electric toaster and an electric bread maker. When she said that she had too many gadgets but nowhere to sit down. I bought her an electric chair.

Remember that marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Ms. Right, I just didn't know that her first name was ALWAYS.

I haven't spoken to her in 18 months now - I don't like to interrupt her. The last time we had a fight, it was my fault. She asked 'What is on the TV?' I said 'It looks like Dust'.

In the beginning; God created the earth and rested. Then God, created the man and rested. Then God created woman. And since then neither God nor man has rested.


Arresting time - OOOPS

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
'But officer, 'the man began, 'I can explain.'

'Quiet!' snapped the officer.' I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back.'
'But, officer, I just wanted to say, '

'And I said be quiet! you're going to jail!'

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, 'Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. he'll be in a good mood when he gets back.'

'Don't count on it, 'answered the guy in the cell.' I'm the groom!.'



Bride was a Picture

A Texan woman had a wedding cake made into a life-sized model of herself. Chidi Ogbuta, 35, had the 5ft cake made to renew her vows after 10 years of marriage to husband Innocent.

The £3,000 cake took five weeks to make, needed two gallons of amaretto, 50lbs of sugar, 200 eggs and weighed a whopping 400lb.

It needed four men to lift it into the wedding venue!

Your Matchmaker Recommends a Titanium Wedding Ring

By: Adrienne Davis Your wedding ring is a symbol of eternal love between marriage partners - it shines in the wedding photographs, and it is the first thing your guests will want to look at. Sadly most wedding rings do not stay shiny and new? After ten years, many gold rings are dented and scratched with no shine. Did you know that titanium is an option for your wedding ring? Titanium was first discovered in England in 1791 by Reverend William Gregor. It is named after the Titans, a race of powerful deities who ruled during the legendary Golden Age. The metal is produced in its highest quantity in Australia, and is prized for its strength and light weight. This makes it very suitable for anyone involved in manual work, as it will stand up to wear much better than gold. It is also a hypoallergenic material, making it suitable for sensitive skin. Until recently, Titanium was most likely to be used in high tech fields such as space and medical fields? If you wear lightweight glasses, they probably contain Titanium. In jewellery, the use of titanium is a new innovation. Jewelers are just learning that the metal is easy to work with and makes for some very beautiful jewellery. You should be able to find Titanium wedding rings in a variety of designs and styles, set with stones and also inlaid with other precious metals. If your Matchmaker found you a rich spouse, you can set your titanium ring with diamonds or emeralds. The good news is that it usually costs less than the equivalent version in other precious metals. Matrimonial experts will normally advise against trendy wedding rings? As anyone sporting a wide wedding band from the seventies now realizes. However, the look of a Titanium wedding ring is not radically different from gold or platinum but it has so many advantages? Lower or average cost, high tensile strength, scratch resistance, and it is hypoallergenic. Of all the things in your wedding day budget, your wedding ring is the most permanent. The bridal dress will probably gather dust in a box or go to a charity shop, flowers are gone in a few days, and the cake might last until the birth of your first child. The ring, however, is here forever as a reminder of your love match. And if your matrimonial arrangement does go wrong, remember that titanium is a stronger material as you take aim to throw it at your beloved! Adrienne Davis Internet Marketer, eBook Publisher http://www.homebusinessadvisers.com Find your love match http://www.myasianpartner.com

Seem a bit young for such interesting thoughts on Marriage!

How do you decide who to marry?

You've got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Martin, age 10.

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How would you make a marriage work?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Nathan, age 10.

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from Will and Guy's Humour website

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. ! Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ' do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Woman Jokes - One Liners

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'

'I never know how much of what I say is true.' Bette Midler

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted' . Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

'It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.' Tallulah Bankhead

Naughty but .....from: Will and Guy Humour Joke of the Day

Maths of Marriage

A light hearted look at marriage and romance.
Some Math(s):
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Women and Weddings

• Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Alexandre Dumas

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake'. (Henny Youngman)