The Creation of Woman

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to
God, 'Lord, I have a problem.'

'What's the problem, Adam?', God replies.

'Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me
with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just
not happy'

'Why is that, Adam?', comes the reply from the heavens.

'Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and
all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.'

'Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
'woman' for you.'

'What's a 'woman', Lord?'

'This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she
can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive
and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.

Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly
care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion
for you.', replies the heavenly voice.

'Sounds great.'

'She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.'

'How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?', Adam replies.

'She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your
left testicle.'

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern
on his face. Finally Adam says to God, 'Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?'

The rest, as they say, is history.

and there's more Christmas One Liners from Will and Hugh again

Christmas Quotes:

'Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!' Ogden Nash

'Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveller back to his own fireside and quiet home!' Charles Dickens

'Love came down at Christmas; Love all lovely, love divine; Love was born at Christmas, Stars and angels gave the sign.' Christina Rossetti

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas,
Just like the ones I used to know,
Where the tree tops glisten
And children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow.
Irving Berlin

'I heard the bells on Christmas Day. Their old familiar carols play. And wild and sweet the words repeat. Of peace on earth goodwill to men.' Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Christmas Cooking or Not!

Martha decided to move with the times and try the delights of microwave cooking. Whereupon, her devoted husband Archie went out and bought her a brand new top-of-the range Sharp Microwave oven.

Christmas approached and Martha got out her Christmas pudding recipe and assembled the ingredients. She proceeded along traditional lines and even got the each member of the family to stir the mixture 'for luck'. When Martha consulted the microwave's manual for the cooking time, she could not believe that ten minutes would be enough for a traditional Christmas pudding. Consequently she decided to substitute her normal cooking time of 50 minutes.

As Martha was in the lounge watching her favourite T.V. programme she did not see the pudding spitting in the microwave oven, nor did she hear the mini-explosions. When she finally extracted the pudding from the microwave after nearly an hour of cooking on 'High', it smelt of burnt sugar and looked like a ball of tar. Naturally, the Christmas pudding was a disaster, so much so, that Martha could not even prod it with a fork. In fact the black ball stuck to the bottom of the bowl and Archie had to get a screwdriver to prize it from its base.

In a fit of pique, Martha threw the shrivelled Christmas pudding to Togo her St Bernard puppy. After a few days she could see the funny side, and Togo loved his new indestructible toy, which amused him until the next Christmas.